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Saturday, August 8, 2015

Closure

Times flies and we are already in the 8th month of 2015. Looking back, there was a lot of things that I wished I could do it differently or it could have been avoided but then again all these contributed to who I am today, making me stronger and more matured. My thinking have changed a lot the past few months and I felt that I have matured a lot too in terms of the way I handle lots of things. 2015 has been rather tough to me but somehow I managed to survive. :) Lots of things have happened and there are days whereby I felt worthless, abandoned, sad and just feel so insecure and inferior about myself but oh well, the worst is over! I no longer felt it this way anymore.

I cooped myself in my house for a couple of weeks and the only time I went out is for tuition before I tried to put my life back in place. It's only a few months later then I was feeling a bit more comfortable in sharing what happened to my close friends. Some of them had already somewhat guessed what happened even before I told them. They lent me their ears, accompanied me, gave me advice and let me do what I want even if they don't agree about it. I was rather stubborn at what I wanted to do so I continued doing what I thought was best for me holding on to a slightest ray of hope that I have. It was only until one of my work friends told me this:

"There is no such thing as you don't know what to do, you always know what you need to do deep inside your heart. It's only a matter of fact whether you want to do it."

His words hit me hard. Of course I had the answer but I just don't have the courage and I don't want to admit that was what I had to do. I pondered over it and decided that it's time I do what my heart tells me to do. I let go, I gave up. I started to care about how I feel and drop my commitment baggage. When i made the decision, i felt calm, i felt relieved, i don't feel conflicted neither did i cry over it.

Soon after, I went clubbing, I went partying, I went drinking with my friends and I enjoyed every moment of it. I don't care if the group only consist of 1 or 2 person that I know because it's just all about having fun. I don't have to think about anything and just live in the moment. I don't mind having to wake up at 5am for work and then be busy the whole day and then go drink till the next morning and then head to work again because I like it. But I can live without partying or drinking too. People may think that I am very happening right now because I am feeling sad about it but in fact it's the other way round. I feel happy that I made this decision. In fact after making the decision I no longer found any difficulties breaking the news to my family and external family and I don't feel awkward about it.

This is probably the firmest decision I have made so far and if you ask me if I regret my decision, the answer is really NO, not even the slightest bit. In fact, after making the decision, I no longer feel needy or insecure, neither do I feel that it's hard to let go. I also do not regret what i have done so far because i know that i tried. I am really happy with my life now and I guess I just wanna have fun and take things slow. I am rather amazed by how quickly i am ok about it after making the decision and i know i won't be able to do that without the help of my friends I won't be able to get over it so quickly so thank you all for everything! ♡

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Hiatus

Hit a rough patch and trying to get things together + exams are coming so i won't be updating for quite some time. Wish me luck!